A Fall

I had another decent day. In the afternoon, we had a pleasant outing to Whole Foods. I have to use their mobile shopping cart since my scooter died about a month ago, and the new one hasn't arrived yet (next week, fingers crossed.) The scooter carts they provide are large and have a wide turning radius, which makes it difficult to maneuver thru the tight aisles. Luckily, it wasn't too busy, which eased the difficulty.

When we had finished shopping, we went out to our van,  and Jack retrieved some WF paper bags he had brought to recycle. While he darted back to the store to drop them off, I decided to try to get into the van myself. I first rode the scooter along side the van allowing me space to open the passenger door. Once I had the door opened, I gripped the sturdy frame of the van and lifted myself off the scooter. I then sidestepped so I could take hold of the hand grip, raised my right foot up onto the foot step, and got ready to pull myself up into the seat. I looked up and saw Jack through the door window grinning at me. I smiled back and asked him to assist me by giving my booty a push, if needed, to get up. I nearly made it on my own, receiving only a slight push from Jack. I felt a real sense of accomplishment as Jack applauded my effort to take more independent actions.

Once home, I climbed the stairs from the garage up to our apartment. Jack leaves the walker up at the top for me, and I walked straight to the bathroom. I have to sidestep into my bathroom because the doorframe is too narrow for my walker. As my sister has remarked, the apartment is not really setup for disability mobility. I have been going to the bathroom, on my own, for months now without any trouble. But today, as I entered the bathroom and turned to seat myself on the commode, the left front wheel got caught on the bathroom door, my walker rocked and fell forward, taking it with me. I landed on my bent, left knee and screamed bloody murder. My knees do not bend to full capacity yet, and my weight was bending it more than I was used to. Thinking back, I screamed less out of pain and more out of terror. Falling is scary! Jack came quickly, pulled me up, disentangled me from the walker, and took me to my room. I was fairly upset and even slightly hysterical, but Jack lovingly soothed me, and I calmed down. I wiped my tears, bent my left leg to test it, and found that it didn't hurt as badly as I expected. Jack and I talked about it, and he realized what had changed, what the likely reason was that caused me to lose my balance: the walker had been raised two notches the day before. Indeed, I had even noted to him earlier in the day that I was finding it difficult to get used to the height. He immediately lowered it one notch.

He walked me to the couch in the living room, and the knee was slightly sore but not too bad. There was also some minor bruising on the top of the knee. I asked Jack to bag my leg with ozone, and I rested my leg in a slightly elevated position. After 30 min, I had Jack remove the bag and tested my knee again. It felt much better. For the rest of the afternoon, I kept a magnetic knee wrap on it and in the late evening, ozone-bagging it once more. Whew! Got thru that pretty nicely. I know that as I move more and become more independent, accidents like this are bound to happen. I will, of course, be more careful :)

In the meantime, Jack went to the leasing office and filled out a maintenance request that they take the bathroom door off the hinges and store it in our garage. That will make my movements into the bathroom safer and more secure. Visitors can use Jack's bathroom, which still has a door for privacy.

Feb 20th PT Session

I woke up this morning and felt pretty good. I was bright and cheery as I arrived for physical therapy. Paul took full advantage of my feeling better. I started on the Stairmaster for 10 min. He corrected my posture, as I have a tendency to lean forward, and he had me focus on putting pressure on my heels as I take each step. This was particularly helpful for my right foot, because yesterday, I had strained the muscle that goes down the front of the leg and connects to the foot. With Jack's assistance, I had taken a single step down from a curb and felt pain at the top of the foot where it connects to the leg. I stretched the tight muscle beyond what I am used to. Regaining a normal range of motion for all my muscles is an ongoing challenge.

Paul's direction to put more weight on my heels was very helpful and minimized the pain. We

then moved onto the parallel bars where he set up a step bench in the center. He put a gait belt on me, so he could hold on to prevent my falling and had me step up and down, holding on to the parallel bar with only one hand. This was a lot more difficult than it sounds. I kept hitting the step bench and kicking it forward with my foot as I tried to step up. Paul instructed me to look down and lift my foot slightly out, then up. After a few unsuccessful attempts, I finally stepped up. Stepping down was even more difficult. It took some sweet talkin' from Paul ("I won't let you fall") to give me the confidence to take the step down. I repeated this a few more times. Next, I sidestepped up to the bench on both sides. He explained that I can practice the sidestep at home on the bottom of the stairs. 

I then did a set of squats without holding onto the bars as Paul held my balance with the gait belt. It was a bit scary and of course I again heard the reassuring words, "I won't let you fall." I never get tired of hearing it :)

We ended with Paul reminding me to stretch, Stretch, STRETCH! He showed me a few standing stretches I can do while leaning against the kitchen counter. He accompanied me as I walked w/my walker to leave the workout room and meet Jack. He noticed that I was still hunching over a bit and suggested raising up my walker. I said, "Let's do it now so you can see if it helps." So, he raised it two notches and found that I did stand up straighter while walking. I found it a bit awkward but figured I would get used to it.

Fun in the Kitchen!

Today the weather turned cold, gloomy, & rainy and with the moon in Cancer, it seemed the perfect time to make some mischief in the kitchen. I have always loved preparing foods, inheriting some of my mom's genius ability simply to throw things together and produce an exquisite flavor. She never used measurements nor followed any specific recipe. Instead, she intuited what was needed and how much, always leaving us awestruck as we dug into her delicious dishes.

In my pre-disability days, I did all the food prep. I loved playing the traditionally female, domestic role and enjoyed housecleaning, laundry, kitchen chores, etc. Must be my Venus in Virgo. These days, though, Jack does it all. And while I am eternally grateful, I realized that I actually don't like being waited on hand and foot. I want to do it all myself! I feel like a kid shouting,"I wanna do it!" ;)

As I become stronger, I am regaining some of my lost independence. Today, I walked (w/my walker) into the kitchen, had a plan of action in mind, and with assistance from Jack, got started on making a natural candy confection: Date-Cacao balls. I could do the first step on my own. I stood at the counter, leaning on it for support, and pitted barhi dates. It was great fun with my fingers all sticky and gooey, as the barhis are like caramel, both in texture and flavor. After the dates were pitted, Jack joined me and added raw cacao chunks and vanilla nectar. Then, all the ingredients were blended in the food processor creating a smooth paste. To this paste, Jack sprinkled in dry coconut shreds. Now it was his turn to get his hands sticky as he kneaded the mixture- what fun!

The mixture was pretty soft and gooey, impossible to roll into balls, so I suggested refrigerating it for an hour to let it firm up. Then, we rolled it into balls and coated them with raw cacao powder.

Jack and I munched the "dough" as we made these and YUM! Tomorrow we sample the finished product.

So I can't do it all myself right now. It's OK, really it is. I have truly come to appreciate the joys of collaboration. I was always a bit of a control freak, and while I really did enjoy doing all the housekeeping, I know that I did much of it myself so I could do it MY WAY. Kind of like Monica from Friends ;) Now, I have learned more patience and tolerance for other ways. It's not about having a "perfect" end result; in fact, things may not even turn out quite right. But the point of a collaboration is to work together, placing the importance more on the human interaction than on the end product. While it's important that the candy turns out, and I know it will, it's more important that Jack and I had fun together and felt good about each other when we finished, which we did!

Being disabled has forced me to rely on others for just about everything. This has been hard on me, because I was always focused on having things turn out the just the way I wanted. Now, I'm realizing that obtaining the "perfect" outcome was a short-sighted goal; getting along with people and having them feel better about their time with me was something I often overlooked, and I have had to slow down to a crawl to "get it." So, I am trying to use this time to learn, reflect, and improve. It's one of my silver linings :)

Struck down

Whoa! It's been over a week since I have posted. Last Thursday, I was struck down with an intense fatigue that persisted for a long, arduous week. Day after day, I was totally zapped of energy and could do nothing. Going to the bathroom or even watching T.V. was a struggle. I felt like there was a black hole inside of me sucking my energy and vitality. It was awful, and I had not felt this bad since my release from the hospital last May. Sunday night, it became too much to bear, and I had one of my emotional meltdowns. I have never suffered from serious depression before, but my recovery since May '07 has been peppered with dark episodes. I lose my will to live and ask again and again, "Why am I alive?" I feel such intense despair and sadness that even the rays of Jack's love barely reach me. But he persists, holding me tight, wrapping me in his pure, unconditional love until the moment passes as it always does.

On Tuesday, we rescheduled my PT session for Thursday, cancelled OT, and made an appointment with a new doctor. My previous doctor, a great guy with a compassionate bedside manner and sharp mind, was no longer part of my insurance network, so v. sad:( I had intended to find a new one after the pesky Mercury Retrograde ended on Feb. 18, but my situation was feeling desperate. Upon Jack's request, my sweet sister, who is a physician in Dallas, ordered me a blood test to check for any deficiencies. They both agreed that this would circumvent any delays and be helpful to a new doctor.

Of course, Wed. came, and I started to finally feel better, more like myself again. The results of my blood work were sent to my sister, and she called to let me know that everything looked good, I had no deficiencies. On Thursday I felt worn out, but not the intense fatigue that had plagued me, just very tired. I went to PT in the afternoon and had a pretty chill session. I apprised Paul of my situation, and he took it easy on me giving me deep lower body stretches. My appointment with the new doctor, Dr. Lewis, followed. He took the time to read the synopsis Jack had written about my complex medical history and asked us many good, probing questions. I liked his comprehensive approach to my case, and he had a nice, warm manner. In the end, though, he could find no physiological cause for my fatigue. He asked us to keep him abreast of my condition over the next week or two and said that if I got worse, he could order more tests.

After the appt., we went to Whole Foods to get goodies for dinner. It was a crazy, festive V-Day atmosphere with gorgeous flowers everywhere and people bustling with gifts for their loved ones. I enjoyed it and smiled the whole time. We came home, had a lovely dinner, watched a wonderful film, The Namesake, and indulged in raw Cacao Nib Truffles, so rich that we were satisfied with one each. OMG! Easily the best, tastiest, most luscious chocolate we have both ever had, and we have eaten many different chocolates over the years. Oh so nice to find a man who loves chocolate as much as I do ;)

TGIF! I woke up feeling GREAT this morning, physically and emotionally. I went to bed last night with a stimulated mind and a heart filled with love. So today, I plan to be more active and to enjoy this unseasonably warm weather we are having.

Whatever it was that grabbed hold of my body last week has let go of me, and I feel like I'm back on track again. We'll probably never know what it was, but that's OK, as long as I always get back to this good feeling again.

Feb 6th PT Session

I arrived early for PT today and did 15 minutes on the NuStep, a favorite exercise machine. I did this before the official 45-minute session began. My therapist, Paul, then greeted me and said that we're doing core and trunk work on the mat today. I started on my hands and knees, and he had me push my bottom toward my heels as if moving into child's pose: However, my quads and knees are still pretty tight, so I can't go all the way down. He had me move my head forward, hips up, then push back down, noticing that I made progress with each rep.

Next, I did the quadraped focusing on the upper body. Paul held his hand up and out at different levels in front of me, and I stretched to reach his hand.

I then lay on my back and did about 6 reps of bridge. After bridge, I did some leg work, kicking out and bringing the knee into my chest with Paul providing resistance. He ended my session by having me do a few reps of modified side plank on each side. Very challenging, especially on my left side.

After we finished, Paul told me that for future sessions he wanted to focus on getting my body more limber and on building my core strength. He explained that while it is important to work on my lower and upper body strength (which I am doing on my own), my body needs more flexibility and core strength to improve my walking so I will able to transition from the walker to a cane. As a student of yoga, I couldn't agree more with flexibility and core strength as the goal. In fact, today's session was full of yoga poses, and I loved it! Another great PT session :)

I didn't have Occupational Therapy today due to a scheduling conflict but should be on track next Wednesday for both OT and PT, back to back.

My Mental Stimulant

Taking dives in my HBO chamber led me to the wonderful world of audiobooks. At first, I took my iPod in with me and listened to music. But I found myself getting restless for the 45 min or more that I spent in there. I mentioned this to Jack, and he came up with the perfect solution.

Jack has always been a prolific reader and often encouraged me to read more. Because my vision is shaky, it became clear that reading a book was just not an option for me right now. He had already been thinking about audiobooks for me and with this call to action, he made it happen. As a regular patron of our local library, Jack explored and found some books on cd he thought I would enjoy. I imported the books onto my computer and then transferred them to my iPod. I entered the chamber and started the first book. Wow! What a journey it took me on! One of the first books I listened to was set in Scotland, and I felt like I was there. The spoken words activate my imagination, and I visualize the scenes better than if they were on TV.

Since last October, I have listened to over a dozen books. It's been great fun, and time in the chamber flies by. I have a deep admiration for the engaging talent of the narrarators of the books. I actively pour through the library's online catalog to fill my new appetite for books. Currently, I am listening to Beautiful Lies by Lisa Unger. Some of my favorites so far are Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts and the Odd trilogy by Dean Koontz.

Please share your faves with me :)