Struck down

Whoa! It's been over a week since I have posted. Last Thursday, I was struck down with an intense fatigue that persisted for a long, arduous week. Day after day, I was totally zapped of energy and could do nothing. Going to the bathroom or even watching T.V. was a struggle. I felt like there was a black hole inside of me sucking my energy and vitality. It was awful, and I had not felt this bad since my release from the hospital last May. Sunday night, it became too much to bear, and I had one of my emotional meltdowns. I have never suffered from serious depression before, but my recovery since May '07 has been peppered with dark episodes. I lose my will to live and ask again and again, "Why am I alive?" I feel such intense despair and sadness that even the rays of Jack's love barely reach me. But he persists, holding me tight, wrapping me in his pure, unconditional love until the moment passes as it always does.

On Tuesday, we rescheduled my PT session for Thursday, cancelled OT, and made an appointment with a new doctor. My previous doctor, a great guy with a compassionate bedside manner and sharp mind, was no longer part of my insurance network, so v. sad:( I had intended to find a new one after the pesky Mercury Retrograde ended on Feb. 18, but my situation was feeling desperate. Upon Jack's request, my sweet sister, who is a physician in Dallas, ordered me a blood test to check for any deficiencies. They both agreed that this would circumvent any delays and be helpful to a new doctor.

Of course, Wed. came, and I started to finally feel better, more like myself again. The results of my blood work were sent to my sister, and she called to let me know that everything looked good, I had no deficiencies. On Thursday I felt worn out, but not the intense fatigue that had plagued me, just very tired. I went to PT in the afternoon and had a pretty chill session. I apprised Paul of my situation, and he took it easy on me giving me deep lower body stretches. My appointment with the new doctor, Dr. Lewis, followed. He took the time to read the synopsis Jack had written about my complex medical history and asked us many good, probing questions. I liked his comprehensive approach to my case, and he had a nice, warm manner. In the end, though, he could find no physiological cause for my fatigue. He asked us to keep him abreast of my condition over the next week or two and said that if I got worse, he could order more tests.

After the appt., we went to Whole Foods to get goodies for dinner. It was a crazy, festive V-Day atmosphere with gorgeous flowers everywhere and people bustling with gifts for their loved ones. I enjoyed it and smiled the whole time. We came home, had a lovely dinner, watched a wonderful film, The Namesake, and indulged in raw Cacao Nib Truffles, so rich that we were satisfied with one each. OMG! Easily the best, tastiest, most luscious chocolate we have both ever had, and we have eaten many different chocolates over the years. Oh so nice to find a man who loves chocolate as much as I do ;)

TGIF! I woke up feeling GREAT this morning, physically and emotionally. I went to bed last night with a stimulated mind and a heart filled with love. So today, I plan to be more active and to enjoy this unseasonably warm weather we are having.

Whatever it was that grabbed hold of my body last week has let go of me, and I feel like I'm back on track again. We'll probably never know what it was, but that's OK, as long as I always get back to this good feeling again.